My son Kas cut his hair yesterday.  He has been shaggy dog all summer. 

He loved his hair.  I think it was something to hide behind.  It symbolized how he felt about himself.  It made him look slower and less aware than he really was.  But he decided it was time for a change.  He employed the style expertise of his sister and off they went to create the new look.  Fabulous.

This morning Fiona got up early and straightened and styled his hair for him. 

God, I love these kids.

A year...

The 1 year anniversary is only 12 days away.  I can’t believe it.  In some respects it feels like a blink of an eye.  “It has been a year?” I ask myself, “where did it go?  What did I do?  Why don’t I feel better?”

 And in other ways it feels like a hundred years ago.  I have some excitement about the future.  I want to find “the one” and build a life.  I am renovating my house.  Making plans.  Life is good.  Yet, at the same time, it isn’t.

This is what I’ve learned:

A broken heart is better than a bitter one.

Kids are good examples of the heart’s willingness to forgive and love again.

I can be weak and strong at the same time.

I am a good partner and I want to fall in love and be married again.

True friends are the best treasure.

I am a good mom.

What I’ve Avoided:

My friendships - They have been neglected

My spiritual life – It has been neglected

Cleaning out Andy’s den -  I don’t want him to be gone.

My kids – I have felt strangely inadequate as a parent this past year.

Being Alone - I am still struggling with being on my own.  Not financially or taking care of house stuff.  Mostly I miss the everyday attention and companionship.

Reflection has caused me to realize:

I miss Andy as much now as I ever did.

I don’t want to be taken care of …simply cared for.

I don’t have to do everything myself just because I can.

I’m not crazy, just hurt.

I am not ready to move on as quickly as I thought I was.

I feel a little ripped off.  I had this idea in my head that the year mark would be some magical number and I would be ready to launch off into life with abandon.  But what I realize is that now that the year is up and I have given myself permission to move on… I am scared and hurt and angry.  It injures my pride to find that I am not better yet.   

I want it to be done but … I don’t want Andy to be gone. 

So here I stand, on the brink of year 2, and I am just now discovering what it is to really forgive, and let go, and say yes to myself. 

My shrink said that sometimes your inner self postpones the work you have to do until it thinks you’re strong enough because it knows it will take a lot out of you.  I liked that.  I wasn’t avoiding this after all just getting prepared for it.

We went camping this weekend and what a blast.  So fun.  The kids had a great time with each other.  Fiona brought her friend Jess.  The three of them spent hours playing King of the Hill on the air mattresses.  They played like they did when they were little.  Lots of laughing and screaming J.

I spent most of the time doing nothing.  NICE.  I am not much of a camper usually but this was pretty sweet.  We used my dad’s trailer with a slide out and all the hookups.  He had it set up so all we had to do was show up.  Everyone got to sleep in air conditioned spaces – it’s the good life. 

We had lots of time to bond, making smores around the campfire, playing cards in the trailer, and sitting with our feet over the dock. 

The kids and I haven’t been anywhere together since last summer when we went to Couer d’Alene.  It was good to do it now.

We had the addition of my new guy, which was an interesting dynamic.  The kids love him but it is interesting to watch the interactions. 

Darren hasn’t had kids so he has a “friend” approach toward them.  It is good for right now because they don’t want a boss.  Kas follows feet behind him wherever he goes and asks him a thousand questions about everything under the sun.  Fiona leaves more space but definitely includes him.  She asks him to pull them out in the water and includes him in the “circle” of discussion.

I am a little overwhelmed at times.  It isn’t just my relationship now.  Everyone is engaged in their own.  I had an actually panic attack on Sunday night when he started making plans for Christmas holidays. It wasn’t the plans, it was the overwhelming feeling of not being sure.  I am still not confident he is THE ONE.  He is absolutely fabulous but my “knowing” hasn’t confirmed it.  You know, the knowing in your gut that intuitively knows truth.  It has said yes but not the ultimate yes.  I told Fiona a few weeks ago that unless your “knowing” says a certain and ultimate yes, he probably isn’t the guy and life is too short to spend it with anyone other than THE ONE.

I am not certain yet but I am walking it out as I go.  I made a commitment to work through some of my baggage this year and so I am focusing on that. 

Life isn’t a straight line and I’m glad.  Everything will be exactly as it is supposed to be.

Smile...he is doing well

Kas came to work with me today.  I have him working on a crew that is packing 18 pack Kokanee cans into cooler bags for Columbia Brewery’s summer promotion.  He is just palletizing cardboard but the big deal is that he gets drive a forklift.  A special perk for being the boss’s son J.  I am so proud to see him out there handling the equipment without any hesitation.   

Sometimes it is easy to lose focus and only see how he is forgetting to do things or doing things he shouldn’t.  But today I see him out in the warehouse, working with the guys, and being the man I know he is… and it makes me so proud.

He is his dad.  I’m lucky to have a wonderful reminder of him.  But Kas is also his own man and it is gratifying to watch him become himself. 

God I love him. 

Life is smiling at me.  Nice.

Action speaks louder than words...

Thinking about life.  Reflecting on where I am, what I’m doing, and what I want.  I feel like I’m waiting for something…but what?

I have many things to be thankful for:  my kids, my friends, my home, my work, my new guy.

But somehow I feel lonely.  I feel like no one notices that I can’t do everything.  I sometimes feel that I’m not important.  It isn’t true.  It’s just how I feel.  And as I reflect, I think, “How am I causing this?” 

I am pretty independent.  The kind of girl who figures out how to put together and use a compound miter saw or how to install a toilet.  I am private, not really one to share my struggles.  I hate asking for help but even when I do people tend to not know exactly how to help me. 

More often than not I hear people say they don’t want to impose…to bud in.  Why not? 

When I sit and really steep in these thoughts if feel like I want someone to take care of me.  Someone who asks me how they can help.  Who says, “let us get that bathroom done tonight.”  Or “I just went to the builders and priced out everything for the deck.”  Someone who teaches Kas how to drive in the back 40 and shows him how to use power tools.  Someone who takes Fiona for coffee and listens to all her “girl stories”.  I don’t want to have to ask and coach and remind.  I want to be important enough that I am the reason for remembering and making the effort.  Some of you may be saying, “Amber, you can do all that for your kids yourself.”  Ah yes, I can but I don’t want to do everything.  I’m tired.  I feel like I’m running after my life, just far enough behind to never really be in it.  I guess I am feeling like a failure and would like someone to back me up.   Where are all the men in my life – brothers and grandpa and friends???   

I have a book on Love Languages.  It is interesting to consider how people relate to being loved by the type of “vocabulary” that is used.  For some it is words of encouragement/praise, some gifts, some actions, some physical attention and so on.  I love words, so normally praise and encouragement is it for me…but right now, I need action.  I need to be really taken care of.  It is the language that would say – you are important and I love you.

So my declaration for today is HELP.  I need help.